Updated: Feb 20, 2020
In the therapy room - Sitting face to face; for the first time being able to openly speak about how he truly felt was already a huge step. His frustration was obvious and with it much shame and anger that was never really expressed to anyone before, let alone a woman. “I have tried everything! - the squeeze, creams, lotions, potions, and was even recommended to have botox injected in my cock. Sometimes I cum on my pants while we are kissing - it’s embarrassing! I`m a grown man! Nothing works.”
While medical doctors and science haven`t bee able to explain how or why Premature Ejaculation happens it`s estimated that 1 in 5 men (penis owners) will experience it with frequency. The degree of PE an individual may experience is very ample; from cumming too soon after penetration to cumming during or even before foreplay.Some men can experience penetration but have no control of ejaculation when it comes to oral sex, others are the very opposite; some may have always experienced PE while for others is something that came up out of the blue; there are those have no PE in solo self-pleasure practice (jerking off) but when it comes to being with a partner things blow up! (quite literally)What triggers early ejaculation is very individual not only from men to men but also with different partners or even from one intimacy experience to another; sometimes the trigger of early ejaculation follows a specific pattern while others are completely random.Bottom line is P.E. cannot and should not be 'treated' as one size fits all - pop a pill approach - actually nothing should. We are individual human beings with unique blueprints and despite our OS (operating system) being much of the same from time to time we need a little upgrade - that`s where we start...
OPPS! 101 - Understanding Your BlueprintThe
Nerdy Talk - There’s a whole neuropsychophysiological dance that needs to be activated in balance in order for arousal, erection and eventually ejaculation to happen. However, when it comes to P.E., most of us are somewhat out of balance in different degrees. Learn how to take control of our bodies in order to establish balance and relaxation, before, during and after intimate & sexual interaction is key to managing PE.
Psych Up - We have been conditioned to not talk about our shit, especially the difficult stuff. In my experience, one of the most fundamental aspects of resolving any sexual or intimacy issues is based on communication. I'm not talking about having a chat over a pint while casually discussing Love Island or the latest news. I'm talking about having conversations that promote understanding between the partners but most importantly for you, as an individual, to be able to communicate with whomever you are with at the time of intimacy be it a long relationship or a one night stand.
Somatic Experience - It’s all well and good to learn how to breathe and communicate and to read all about the ins and outs of P.E. from a clinical perspective, information and education are really important. But you need to Practice, Practice, and Practice...
Upgrading Your OS To Get You Started - HOME PLAY
Upgrade #1 - There`s No Cure - P.E. does not have a cure, simply because it`s not a disease*. Begin by changing your narrative from "I have PE" to "I experience PE". How you relate to yourself is key to beginning a new chapter.
Upgrade #2 - Control Your Body - Managing PE is a little bit like driving - in order to get the car moving you need to start at 1st gear and feel your way into shifting to 2nd and 3rd, so on so forth. The thing with P.E. is that most of you are starting your journey already in 3rd/4th gear and sometimes even 5th gear - as the car moves a little OPPS! Crash & Burn! Breath is your gear, by breathing ‘right’ you will learn how to down-regulate and/or upregulated (when the time is right) and come into balance known as homeostasis.
Practice - Lie down with or without your partner and breathe in slowly through your nose to the count of 4 and out through your mouth to the count of 6 - it doesn’t need to be precise just get used to breathing (slow short inbreathe, slow longer outbreathe). Focus all your attention on your diaphragm (the bit between your ribcage just below your heart - it should swell like a balloon - if it doesn`t the breathing is too shallow). If you struggle to find the right rhythm put one hand over the area and the other over your heart or belly. - This is called a down-regulating breath and will bring your flight-flight-fuck response into relaxation. (sympathetic nervous system)
Upgrade #3 - Communication & Non-Sexual Touch - Let’s go back to our car and assume that while you have the control of the gear, your partner has control of the pedals. It’s your job to be able to be relaxed enough to enjoy the ride while aware enough to communicate to the ‘pedal master’ whether you want them to go faster or slower, lighter or harder, more or less pressure or if you want them to pull the break completely and enjoy the scenery for a little while without needing to go anywhere. Just breathing and getting back into balance before enjoying the ride again. It also applies to solo-drivers. Point being you need to learn how to give enough gear and enough gas without being too much or too little and enjoy the ride at the same time.
Practice - Once you master breathing and you feel relaxed; you (solo practice) or with your partner agree to touch somewhere in your body you know it feels pleasurable but it’s not likely to become 5th gear (avoid genital exploration at this point) - If you are not solo - Do not touch mutually and take turns exploring touch. It's not a massage or an exercise that needs to becomes a chore - it's a caress, a moment of stress-free and goal-free intimate, pleasurable exploration for both or as a solo self-love practice. Focus your attention on the sensation in the area being touched and breathe, always breathe - remember this is your gear. If your mind shits to your penis or start anticipating what might happen (cum) or what may not be happening (not being hard) - STOP “You are out of focus” and that’s where you lose control. Always breathe - your breath is your safety. With P.E. control is not lost at the moment of ejaculation it`s often lost way before when instead of being focused and present in the sensory pleasure you project our fears, shame, ideas of past experiences and become a victim of the inevitable certainty - CUM!
Upgrade #4 - Enjoy the Ride - Now that you have what you need to understand and control your 1st & 2nd gear as well as communicate with the 'pedal master', it`s time you took us for a spin. Slow Down and enjoy the ride. Practice - expand touch to include genitals and start always with your breath. Breathe throughout the practice from beginning to end. When you feel ready to add genital touch, remind yourself to focus only on the feelings in your body. Do not worry about erection or the lack of, avoid chasing pleasure and be mindful to not fall into old masturbation patterns. If you are practicing with a partner she/he/they need as much guidance as you do - don’t expect them to know what they are doing because they won't.
Set a timer for your practice - this will allow you to relax and not worry about time
Create a 'nest' - a comfortable space where you naturally feel relaxed
Use your 5 senses - add soft some music or candles or have a warm bath anything that makes it a special time for you.
If you experience severe PE, break down the steps and do one practice at a time, start solo, to begin with until you are able to control your ejaculation on your own.
Big No-No - Don`t consume alcohol or drugs before your practice these tend to desensitize your ability to feel which is the very opposite of what we want.
Shut out the world - Make sure you have no interruptions, that means no T.V. or phones or Amazon Delivery.
There are lots of different practices that you can do on your own and there are lots of practices that you can do you with a partner. Some of those we will cover in our workshop OOPS! (dates TBC) . Or you can always contact us - we are here to support you.
This is only the beginning to get you started, during my sessions - You will learn and practice the above and much more; from 1st gear to F1.
With ‘SLOW’ Pleasure
Note: While the above is a general introduction to embodiment practices that I teach to support you gain ejaculatory control, what leads a person to experiencing P.E. is very ample including some physiological issues and trauma, it is advisable to seek specialist help either to rule out or treat any physical issues or to have extra support if you know or feel you may have experienced trauma.